Loneliness

 

lonely

When you aren’t serving in a church, Holy Days and most Christian seasons can get weird. When I was working in a chapel my rhythm revolved around the seasons of the year. And, the joy of Easter after Lent and Holy Week was extraordinary. But, this year, even though I attended services on Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, there seemed to be a huge disconnect.

I’m not certain if it was due to the fact that the city didn’t pause or that I didn’t pause. I expected this very Catholic city to pause and inhale deeply from Thursday until Sunday morning, but hosting the Final Four took precedence and a normally contemplative time, became a mini-fiesta throughout San Antonio. I had ample time to pause and reflect, but I filled the empty space on my calendar with activity to avoid the loneliness.

Perhaps it is the loneliness that I feared the most. It seems appropriate to reflect on Jesus in the garden praying for the disciples, for us, and for himself. But, this year, I was taken aback by the loneliness of that garden. Friends sleeping, a friend betraying, heart breaking loneliness. And, that is where I have spent a lot of time, or rather, avoided spending a lot of time—in the depths of betrayal, non-supportive friends, and loneliness.

For a God who lives in relationship, those hours in the garden must have been excruciating. And, I can relate to that God. But, it is Easter, and I need to remind myself that I am not alone, just lonely. So, in the weirdness of not serving in a church, I’m a few days behind the calendar. Easter will come, if not today, than sometime in the next few weeks as I read about resurrection appearances.

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